Friday, 21 January 2011


While I am writing this momentous blog I am currently laying in my bed unable to move from the waist down. Now I thought about making up a fascinating story involving the Karma Sutra and The Husband or telling you all that a tackled a robber in mid flow but I am sorry to say it is nothing anywhere near as exciting as any of those.
It all happened yesterday when I decided to be ultra domesticated and clean my bedroom windows, I thought that being the young supple thing that I like to think I am it would of been quite safe balancing on the bedside table whilst on the phone whilst trying not to fall out of the window (now that's what you call multitasking to any men out there). So there I was mid conversation about various things to do with choosing The Teenagers option subjects when for some reason only known to the 15 year old inside of me I happily jumped off of the bedside table and landed with the grace of a hippo in traction. Needless to say that the friend on the other end of the phone heard what I can only describe as the worst type of swearing known to man, the type of language that should never leave a ladies mouth and would not of looked out of place on a building site. My friend who is the ultimate lady very politely ignored the filth that left my mouth and carried on the conversation as if nothing had ever happened, I remember commenting afterwards that "that is going to hurt later", little did I realise how much.
Once I had put the phone down I went downstairs and laid on the floor to be on the safe side (usually this works with my back). This was all about 1pm, it was after about 1/2 hour I became aware that I could not move no matter how much I tried that was it I was well and truly stuck.
So I did what any normal person would do in this situation.......... I grabbed a magazine and waited for what seemed like an eternity , you see what I didn't tell you was that because I am such a neat freak I put the phone which is normally glued to me back on the hook which was now situated at the other end of the room up on top of the computer. I did try several attempts at throwing things at it so that it would fall to the floor and then try and train my rather stupid Spaniel in a very short space of time to "FETCH IT" but for those who have met   my gorgeous doggy will understand that he is not the brightest star in the sky, he looked at me for a very long time and just when I thought he may of understood he licked my face and lay down beside me with his head on my chest.
I guess by this time I had been laying for nearly 2 1/2 hours and quite frankly it was sodding uncomfortable. As if by magic the front door suddenly opened like something from Stars In Their Eyes and in walked the Teenager who promptly took one look at me said "having a nap mum"?????. If I wasn't in so much pain and in need of a wee I might of laughed.
So the evening progressed with a mixture of me crying in pain The Teenager having to dress me (trust me this is not something I pictured for many years) The Husband doing his best at crap jokes ie: "Don't worry darling you and your mum (who has no knee caps) can live together and then we will only have to pay for 1 Stanna Stair Lift and sit in bath thingy". And The Whirlwind not finding any of it funny as he thinks I am going to die, this probably stems from the throw away comment I made to The Teenager when I joked about them finding my body 2 weeks down the line with The Spaniel still laying on my chest. Note to self.........10 year old do not find this type of joke amusing.
So here we are now its the day after the day before and my wonderful Mum has driven all the way here at the top speed of 40mph to be at my beck and call, the problem I have now is not so much the excruciating back pain as much as the fact I am now 4 stone heavier due to the huge amount of food being funnel fed to me and not being able to fight her off.
My gorgeous neighbour has kindly delivered  what looks like a sexual implement cleverly disguised as a heat massager. This will be used this evening which was supposed to be Date Night for The Husband and I which we do once a week, this usually involves a lovely dinner with a bottle or 2 of wine, I think this evening may now consist of dinner on a tray and a bottle or 2 of Deep Heat with a side order or strong pain killers. I think the only bedroom activity going on tonight will be when he uses the massager on my lower back. Who says romance is dead !!!!!!!!

Monday, 10 January 2011

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time !!!!!

Hello to all my lovely Domestic Goddess followers. Well January is off to a tremendous start with lots of positive thoughts and ideas for my 40th year ahead. I had a good hard look at my list of things to do this year and decided that it was time to knock a few things off, so with that in mind I booked an Archery lesson. Its something I have always wanted to do ever since I was at some vile school camp thingy with wet socks and really annoying instructors who insisted that I would be perfectly safe down a hole in the ground ........ they soon changed their minds when I got stuck and had a complete panic attack!!!!!!!! Anyway back to the archery, had a go at this at camp and apart from spinning round too quickly with the crossbow primed and ready to shoot and the entire group of instructors ducking and screaming at me to put the bow down it all went very well. So am going to give it another go, I mean how hard can it really be I am very good on the Wii so fingers crossed. Obviously I will report back in my May blog about the whole experience (as long as I haven't been arrested for killing anyone).

The Husband and I decided that our first adventure would be a romantic weekend away, so with that in mind he booked a gorgeous hotel not far from home (this is just in case my mother who is babysitting decides that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to offer to look after The Whirlwind and The Teenager or in fact The Whirlwind and The Teenager didn't think it was a good idea to have grandma shoving food in every time they opened their little mouths to speak).
So the weekend begins with my rather romantic Husband telling me that he was going to book a couples treatment, this involved being in a room alone together and smearing some type of mud over each other (for those that know me and The Husband you will know that we are not exactly small people) I had visions of the poor therapists running outside to dig in the grounds for more mud as they didn't have enough on site. Once covered in the mud steam was then pumped into the room and then we showered it off of each other. To say I was horrified was an understatement all I could think about was that film Madagascar with the hippos in the mud bath singing to each other. So that was that idea out of the window, I then suggested that the money we saved on not having the mud fiasco treatment could be better spent on some sexy underwear for the evening.
This idea went down incredibly well, so I ordered some very tasteful but sexy lingerie. (This is not something I take lightly as I am no super model.)
So the evening comes and we go for a romantic meal where I forget about the lingerie and eat and drink far too much, this unfortunately made my stomach look like Winne The Pooh. We returned to the room and The Husband not realising that I felt so uncomfortable asked when I was going to show him what I had purchased. I felt I owed him at least a look so I grabbed my bag and headed for the bathroom, this is when it all went horribly wrong.
I squeezed my bloated stomach into the Basque which in turn pushed all the fat up to the bra area thus making me look like I had boobs like Dolly Parton, it was at this point I realised I couldn't see my feet any more so proceeded to put the Cami knickers on back to front and then put my thumb nail right through the stockings. I am sure many of you are now thinking that they would of given up but not me oh no!! I fluffed my hair up, redid my lipstick put on my high heels and proceeded out of the bathroom feeling unable to breath or talk.
I had such visions of The Husbands face but what I did not expect was to reveal myself to the theme tune of Match Of The Day and The Husband fast asleep and snoring.
To say I was slightly relieved was overwhelming, he looked so peaceful, how could I wake him and quite frankly I didn't want too!!
I decided to put the underwear away and wear it again when I have lost about 36 stone. The Husband was slightly disappointed but said that it wouldn't matter if I wore a bin bag ( note to self that it would be a lot cheaper to do that next time) he would love me whatever.
I think the moral of this story is to remember that we are all different shapes and sizes and we are all bloody gorgeous.xxxxxxx