Thursday, 26 April 2012

EMERGENCY BLOG. The Wind Beneath My Wings.

This is an emergency blog.

I can no longer carry on with this bloody Colour Diet. Not only have I put weight on but I am now suffering with the most extreme case of wind ever known to woman. I understand that farting is not really a very ladylike subject but I just felt the need to get it all out ........ my  feelings..........not the wind.
My reason for quitting this diet all came down to the most embarrassing moment of my whole life today at the gym. I only went because I had put weight on this week, and then the unthinkable happened to me.
Picture the scene.........There I am all gym kitted up in my latest gear, looking (I think) like I've been doing this exercise lark for ages. The gym itself was quite quiet all except for the most handsome man I have ever seen (aside from my Husband who reads my blog so.. LOVE YOU!!!).
He was lifting the equivalent of a small community in hand weights and I was trying desperately not to look at him doing it. He smiled at me and I smiled back all be it with a bit of a girly smile. Wow I thought, get me......All this gym work is finally paying off and handsome men are smiling at me. Usually they only smile at my friend who I normally come with as she looks like a real gym bunny instead of me who looks a bit like I just play at being one.
Anyway, there I was doing some type of walking/running......who am I kidding.....walking/fast walking when I noticed he was coming over to me. "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!" I screamed in my head. "Play it cool now, don't go all girly and stupid". It was at this moment it all went very very wrong, he approached my running machine and stood looking at me, I in turn pulled the headphones out of my ears and gave him that look that says "yes, can I help you".
In my head I wondered if he was going to tell me that I was the most gorgeous creature he had ever seen and that he had to run away with me to Aruba ,(message for The Husband....I would never do this because I LOVE YOU).
This is what I thought in my rather stupid head, what he actually came over to tell me was this......"HI, I thought I should let you know that you have a piece of loo paper sticking out of the back of your trousers, and knowing that there are some really shallow people up here I thought I should warn you."
I think I must of gone the colour of a postbox as I thanked him kindly. As if this wasn't bad enough as I turned my upper body round to retrieve the loo paper, the unthinkable happened.........Yes you've guessed it ............I farted/passed wind/trumped/blew off what ever you want to call it, I did it. I think the word embarrassed doesn't actually cover what I was feeling, it was sort of a mixture of shame and wanting to die right there. The worst thing was that he didn't even do the gentlemanly thing and ignore what he had heard, oh no he did the worst thing possible and .....he bloody laughed. Can you believe it, fancy laughing at my windy misfortune. Rather than laughing with him I then went into full explanation mode of how I was doing this diet and how gassy it made you blah blah blah blah. When will my brain learn to engage before I open my mouth.
He then proceeded to give me diet tips and tell me all about why we get gas and what I could do to reduce it. Oh the shame.!!!
As if the whole windy experience wasn't bad enough I then realised whilst getting changed that I hadn't brought my bra so had to drive home bra less with my boobs looking like a couple of Spaniels ears.

As I drove, a smile crept up onto my face and before I knew it I was laughing hysterically to myself. God only knows what the others drivers must of thought as I giggled and chuckled, I only stopped when I reached the Police Station and suddenly thought of the horror should a  Policeman come out and see me like this, he may think I'm drunk and then I will have to step out of the car with no bra on and let me assure you he would definately notice them swaying in the breeze.

So there we go, my main reason for coming off of this diet early. Not only am I starving I am now in total shame at ever going back up the gym.
Plus ........I'm still windy.!!!!!

Lots of Love
Me xxxxx

Friday, 20 April 2012

The Acid Reflux Diet.

As many of you will know I blogged last week about my weight and how I was going to attempt to try different celebrity diets in return for loosing some of my fat cells.
So this is a quick update on how last week went on the Grapefruit Diet, this involved drinking a glass of grapefruit juice before each meal which is supposed to suppress your hunger......I have split this process into Pros and Cons.

1.Fits in your fridge easily
2.The kids hate it so nobody else touches it
3.Easy to drink before a meal
4.Cheap to buy.


1.Makes your eye do funny things when you drink it.
2.Gives you the worst case of heartburn ever in the evenings (my usual nightcap of G&T has been replaced with Gaviscon)
3.After a while it affects your taste buds so that you cant taste the food your eating anyway thus resulting in immediate weight loss as everything tastes the same and you loose your appetite.
4.Am now suffering with cystitis (sorry,grim I know) due to the high level of acid.

5.If you drop the carton on the floor( due to hopping around because of your urinary tract problem) it is a total bugger to clean up. Even when you think you have it all you walk on the floor in your slippers and they stick to it like a fly to fly paper.

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS...................2lbs. Not bad I suppose but probably would of been better if I hadn't had so much Gaviscon which I am sure is fattening.

So there we go folks, my first week over and the first diet done and dusted. Not a great success but at least I lost a bit of weight. I don't look much different except from a slight acid like glow.

Next week Diet Challenge is The Colour Diet, this involves avoiding white foods such as pasta,bread,cookies,rice (basically carbs). On 4 of the days you should try and have a vegetarian menu, on 1 of the days you should try to drink 4 homemade fruit smoothies along with your days menu. As for the other 3 days, its red meat with steamed veg.

Wish me luck with this one as I do love my carbs so this is going to be a tricky one.

Lots of Love
Me xxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 15 April 2012

The Battle Of My Bulge.

Tomorrow begins with many things,peace reigns again, the kids go back to school, my house will stay tidy for 6 solid hours,I can have an adult conversation without anyone asking where their phone is or can I have a tenner, I can have a rest from nagging and my weight loss programme begins (AGAIN).

As I approach the ripe old age of 41 it has become apparent to me that shifting weight is so much harder than ever. People keep telling me its my metabolism , my age and the run up to the Menopause but I'm not convinced. I think its something far more simpler ..........I think its something closer to home.........I think.its my stomach, plain and simple. I blame it entirely for always being hungry for always telling my brain that another slice of cake will be OK. I don't lay any blame on my brain as I have very good self control when dealing with other things in life, like keeping my mouth shut in situations where some people would loose it entirely. I have great control when I have to say "no" to things I don't want to do and am brilliant at saying "yes" to that last Gin & Tonic, but when it comes to food I have no self discipline or control.

My Husband once gave me a very valuable piece of advice that I have never forgotten. One Sunday whilst sitting at the dining table with all the family the subject of being overweight came up and how hard it is to loose it. The Husband looked at me from across the other side of the table and said without batting an eyelid "You know why your fat don't you ?????" , as the rest of the women at the table held their breath ready for me to leap up and throttle him with his napkin he carried on "Its because I give you such a big portion at dinner time".

You could of heard a pin drop as he carried on eating his plate of piled high roast beef and Yorkshire puddings "WHAT!!!" he said as we all sat motionless. Then all heads turned to look at me as I placed my knife and fork down to reply...."Darling" I began" I hate to say this but you haven't given me a big portion since the day we met never mind dinner time". The snigger's began and my mother lost it completely and snorted wine out of her nose, the Husband even managed a giggle and then continued to dig himself out of the biggest hole ever. He made amends by telling me he loved me whatever size I was. (I pretended to forgive him as his Mother was there but oh boy did he get it later.

Anyway my point being that maybe he had hit the nail on the head, maybe my plate was the equivalent to his. I am 5ft 6in and he is 6ft 5in and looks a bit like our shed minus the hanging basket so why was I having the same size dinner to him. From that day on I tried to halve what he had and that seemed to work until I then found myself hoovering up the kids leftovers thus defeating the object.

I am not embarrassed to say that I am a size 16-18 but would love love love to be a size 12-14, I want that feeling of being able to go into a shop and just pick up something from the front of the rack instead of the back. I want to look good in a smock top instead of looking slightly pregnant. I don't want to be skinny (that's a total lie, I would love to be skinny) I would be happy just feeling slimmer. I totally admire the women out there who are completely happy with their weight whether large or small. I wish I could be the same but ...........I'm going to Lady Gaga in August with The Teenager and I want to wear that meat dress. No no just kidding, I just want to feel less bloated and have more energy.

So for a while I will be using my much loved and cherished blog as a weapon of mass destruction against my fat.
I have trawled the magazines and picked out a few celebrity diets, so as from tomorrow I will be testing them and then blogging about the results or the downfalls. The first one is the Grapefruit Diet and that involves drinking a glass of grapefruit juice before every meal, the result is supposed to be that you are less hungry and this then results in weight loss (YEAH RIGHT).

So here we go, I am going to do this and you will all be coming along for the ride with me, this in itself gives me so much encouragement . Knowing that my friends and lovely new Blogging friends are here will hopefully make me stop and think before shoving that cake/biscuit in my gob.

I just have one final thing to say to someone who is in for a bit of a shock "Dear Stomach, you are no longer in control of me, I am in charge from now on and you will have to get used to being smaller and not as full."

As if by some protest my stomach has just growled and rumbled at me. Ha Ha!  I say, Bring It On Big Guy!!!

Lots of Love
Me xxxxxx

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Don't Follow Me I'm Lost Too !

Not many people know this but I only passed my driving test 7 years ago when I was 33. I had taken lessons when I was 17 but after reversing into a wall and nearly squashing a passing pedestrian on lesson number 5 I decided to give it up as a bad job.

The Husband was the one who encouraged me to go for it. He purchased me a little silver Vauxhall Corsa which I lovingly named Barbara and who I not only took my lessons in but managed to pass second time round as well.
Too say I'm a good driver would be an out and out lie, here are the 7 reasons why I know this to be so:-

1. I will not drive at night time, due to the fact (I claim) I cannot see the lines on the road (worrying I know).
2. I will not leave my home town to go anywhere unless it is life or death.
3. Generally as a rule I don't really like to turn right. (this is a great source of entertainment to my friends).
4. I will not park in multistory car parks (this isn't really a problem due to point 2)
5. I drive an automatic (this is a clever ruse so that nobody will ask me to drive their car as I'm not legally aloud to do so).
6. When driving in my home town I drive way to quickly and have no patience with anyone.
7. If I was ever stopped by the police I would have to find the biggest double parking space as I do not like reverse parallel parking. (have often envisaged myself on some police chase show being told to pull over and not being able too, resulting in them thinking I was some joyriding menopausal women and getting the stinger thrown in front of me).

So you see my point, if I'm honest I only drive to get me from A to B. I have no idea why driving is such a issue for me, I am the worst back seat driver ever and spend most of the time shouting at The Husband to go quicker then slam my foot through the floor of the car to hit my imaginary break pedal when I think he's going to hit someone up the rear end. This normally ends in The Husband offering to pull over so that I can drive myself which I cant because of points 2,3,4 and 5.

I wonder if my problem stems from early memories of being 18 and my best friend Maureen (her real name was Suzanne but for legal reasons we will call her Maureen) taking me on a particularly memorable journey in her Vauxhall Chevrolet. It all began as an Innocent stalking operation of a boy she liked who we thought was cheating on her , she picked me up from home and we sat outside his house for what seemed like hours (to be honest it was hours). Once we had asatained he was in fact cheating on her she wheel spinned out of that road like The Dukes Of Hazard on a period.
As she poured her little heart out whilst crying all I could think was HANG ON,( in the panic to get away I had got my seat belt trapped in the door and didn't dare open it just in case I fell out). Luckily we came to a roundabout and I seized my chance to release the belt PHEW!!!
It was at this moment I realised I must of had a guardian angel, as she took the roundabout at about 40mph and lost control careering straight through a rather attractive conifer hedge which belonged to our local doctor.........BANG, CRASH,SCREAM and STOP!!!!
We sat for ages not quite knowing what to do, what we should of done is get out and face the consequences but OH NO!!! Not us, she slammed it into reverse and we were outta there. To this day nobody ever knew it was us that left a perfect car shaped hole in the Doctors hedge, her car was undamaged thanks to the conifers and we were to shocked to talk about it. Still silver lining was that she stopped crying and forgot all about the evenings actual purpose or castrating the boy who had cheated on her. And The Doctor turned the hole into an attractive gate way. (Can I also point out it was the one and only time I nearly appeared in the paper under the headline WHO DUNN IT??).

I know that driving is useful, and I wouldn't be without my car (not Barbara anymore unfortunately as she got traded in for a newer racier version called Shirley) but I worry that I will become one of those women drivers who have such a bad reputation.
Take my mother (please please)!!! She is the most unbelievably dreadful driver I've ever seen, watching her drive on a motorway is the most nerve racking experience ever. Its a bit like taking the kids bowling and putting those safety lanes up at each side, well imagine that on a motorway with my Mother happily bouncing from lane to lane but with no safety bumpers. If she sees something of interest to the left then that's where the car goes and visa versa. I cant help but smile to myself as I catch a glimpse of her following behind me (she is behind me because I wont get in the car with her) looking completely relaxed as she sways from left to right singing along to Barry Manilow. Bless her !!!!

So there we go, my excuses reasons why I don't really drive a great deal. Once they invent a car that parks for you, drives for you and loves turning right I may change my mind but until then and if you see me coming I have one bit of advice for you....