Wednesday, 28 November 2012

The Grinch Is Alive And Well.

As many of you will already know myself and a friend went into business a couple of years ago and decided that rather than making Xmas crafts for friends and family we would try to sell our stuff at a few craft fairs. After 2 years of slogging away with much glue and glitter we are finally seeing some profits.

This year we have 4 fairs and have just done our first one. We try to keep everything below the £10 mark so that everyone can afford it and kids can buy gifts for parents/grandparents.

As we arrived at 9.30 to set up the heavens opened and it turned into a mad dash to get everything inside before we had a lot of soggy merchandise. Once we had set up and titivated everything within an inch of its glittery life we waited for the crowds to arrive. And arrive they did.....In droves and in swarms. We rushed around wrapping slices of soap and putting them in bags whilst smiling and chatting to all of our lovely customers.

As the day progressed and we flagged we sat down for a quick bite to eat and a cuppa. This is when the worlds most miserable man appeared with his adorable daughter. The little girl looked at everything with magic in her eyes and gasped at all the pretty things. As she picked up a little 50p bag of Elf Pillows (mini marshmallows) she squealed at the cuteness of tiny pillows of loveliness. "Oooooooooh, look Daddy, little pillows for Elves........Can I have some pleaaaaasssssseeeeeeeee"she cried. He in return gave her the following speech....."Don't be silly Molly, you don't want those. For one thing elves heads are too big for those pillows and secondly they are 50p a bag and you only get 30 of them". I stood with my mouth wide open and had a sudden urge to yell "Oh sorry Mr time I will methodically measure an elf's head and supply a pillow accordingly....Maybe a couple of Silent Nights would do the job".
Can you believe it, honestly what the hell is wrong with people. As if that wasn't bad enough he then proceeded to tell her whilst picking up a packet of Reindeer Noses that there was no Rudolph and that Santa probably didn't even use reindeer to pull his sleigh..........For the love of God why not go the whole hog and tell her that everything magical she has ever been told is a load of tosh too.

As he walked away from our stall it was all I could do not to run after him and shove a marshmallow Elf pillow up his bottom. My friend who is much more reserved than me managed to calm me down by telling me that he will only be getting a lump of coal and a satsuma in his stocking this year.

The man in question came back several times and asked how much various things were, I held my tongue for as long as I could then asked him a simple question.....had he ever seen an Elf.....He looked at me as if I had gone stark raving mad and replied "Errrrr, No, Obviously" I couldn't help myself and replied "well, I have and let me tell you something...Like women, they come in all shapes and sizes and trust me.....Their little heads DO fit on those pillows". He stood wide eyed and opened mouthed and gulped like a big fish...."OK" was the only answer he could muster.

1-0 to the Elves and 1-0 for Women...

I have to say that he did buy a little packet of pillows and looked very sheepish for the remainder of the day...................The moral of this story is......Never confront a women who has PMT and has spent the last 4 months stuck to a glue gun whilst covered in glitter.

Lots of Love

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Mums On Strike, Part 2

Half way through my week of striking and there have been ups and downs. Mainly downs to be fair but all the same I do feel some progress has being made.

Am slightly worried that The Whirlwind is taking it all far too seriously and continuously asks me when I am coming back to work and am I feeling better today. The Teenager on the other hand seems to be relishing in some new found responsibilities (well, its that or just cockiness)....Not really the aim of all this but silver linings and all that.

Its the mornings that they find the hardest as they now have to make their own beds, get breakfast and sort out school bags and uniform without any help from me. This task has been very hard for me as I am a self confessed control freak of the gigantic kind. They moan and groan about having to do "everything" and the Whirlwind is like a bear with a sore head storming around asking where his pants and socks are. I think they think I know where everything is in this house....Trust me, if I knew where everything was the last thing I would be looking for is a pair of pants.....I'd be searching for The Husbands hidden stash.

The Whirlwind has told me on several occasions that he didn't realise how hard it was being a mummy and a girl, he then informed me that when he has children he will make sure that he and the children do lots of jobs so that his wife doesn't have to go on strike......This was a bit of a silent high five moment and maybe just maybe I've changed the future for his poor unsuspecting spouse.

My main worry is The Teenager and I now wish I had done this when she was 11. I'm not sure 15 is the right age to be when your mum goes on strike. I have a sneaky suspicion that she just thinks its all a bit of a laugh and assumes I am having some sort of emotional breakdown. I can just imagine the "My Mums A Nutter" conversations she is having with all her mates at break time.

For anyone who knows me they will tell you what a clean freak I am so when The Teenager came downstairs last night after doing a charcoal piece for Art with black stuff all over her hands you can imagine how wide my eyes went. She in turn toyed with me by leaning on my cream walls with one hand precariously hovering as if she might touch it or she might not. I held my tongue but I am sure she could see by my face that I was desperate to scream "NOOOOOOOO BACK THE F**K OFF MY WALLS".  Its that kind of thing that she is doing as if she is secretly challenging me.

Anyway, onwards and upwards with this tough love lesson. I have promised I will only do this until Friday and if after that they have proved to me that they will no longer take the p**s out of me I will resume normal duties, although I have told them that as they have done such a good job at getting uniforms, bags and beds done in the morning I will no longer be doing those particular jobs anymore.

I have also told them that if in the future they give me any attitude or take me or their Dad for granted I will not hesitate to strike again ....................and this time it will be for 2 weeks.

Off for a bubble bath now while the kids sweep out the chimney  do their homework.

Lots of Love
Me xxxx

Monday, 19 November 2012

Mums On Strike.

As many of you already know, last week I did something quite out of character, something that I never thought I would ever be brave enough to do.....I actually went on strike from my kids.

Friday was the turning point as I stood at the front door waving as I always do to The Teenager and The Whirlwind. As I waved like a nut job and shouted "love you both, have a great day" all I got in return was a grunt from one and a half hearted wave whilst looking at her phone from the other one.

Something just snapped and it hit me like a thunderbolt.....What the hell was I doing......The Husband and I literally do everything for them in the morning......Aside from brushing their teeth or wiping their bums there really isn't much that they do for themselves. In my head I am being a super great and caring Mum but the reality is very different. What I am actually doing is preparing a couple of lazy human beings who will inflict their laziness onto some poor other human being when they are older.

On Thursday evening The Whirlwind was listening to me and my hubby talk about his job and how stressful and tiring it is. As I sat agreeing and nodding The Whirlwind stood up, looked me square in the eyes and said the following statement  "Mum, I don't know why you are so tired...Its not like you do much in the day time once we have all gone"..I sat in complete shock as did The Husband. He in turn took The Whirlwind upstairs and gave him a severe talking too.

I wanted to forget what he had said but couldn't. It gnawed at me and stuck in my head all night. Is that what they really think.......Is that what they all say to their friends.....Do they believe that I sit and watch Jeremy Kyle all day eating chocolate. (To be fair I have done this but only after I have finished all my jobs).

I had already agreed to go and pick The Teenager up from a Drama rehersal at 4.30 so I had no choice but to honor that committment. As I sat outside the school waiting I received a text from her..."Mum, not ready yet can u go home and come back at 5pm"........I sat and starred at the text for what seemed like an eternity and then typed back "NO. I AM HERE NOW. IF U WANT LIFT COME NOW". She in turn came back with "But im not ready"......."TOUGH" was my answer. As the door flung open of the drama building she stormed towards my car with a face like thunder. It was at this point I am ashamed to say I lost it completly and shouted at her the whole way home.

So now you understand my thunderbolt moment . I sat and thought about what had happend and thats when it came to me. I am going to go on strike and then they will see just how much I actually do for them.

I am lucky enough to be a Stay at Home Mum and up until Friday loved every minute of it. My home and Family are my full time job and I make sure it runs as smoothly as a Naval Ship. I totally admire any parent that does all this and goes to work, I just dont know how they do it all.

Once indoors I put my plan into place and read them both the riot act. They looked at me with complete astonishment and The Whirlwind burst into tears. At one point The Teenager even phoned my Mother for reinforcemnets but luckily I had already warned her so she backed me up all the way.
The Husband mentioned that he thought I was having a nervous breakdown to which I just laughed and walked away.

So here we are....Its Saturday morning and I haven't lifted a finger. They have had to do all their own washing and room tiding as well as get their own breakfast and wash the plates up. The Whirlwind is clearly more bothered than The Teenager as he keeps stroking my arm and asking when I will get better and come back to them.

I am intending on doing this for 1 week and after that we will see what happens. So far The Teenager is not taking it seriously at all and is carrying on as normal. It is proving very difficult to leave her uniform in the machine all wet and crumpled but I have told her so it's her problem. Monday will come and she will have nothing to wear except soggy tights.

I will blog again after my week of striking to let you all know how it went.

It is time to make a stand and stop being a doormat. I will change these kids into decent, capable human beings.

Thankyou for all of your lovely messages and support.....POWER TO PARENTS EVERYWHERE.

Love You All

Monday, 12 November 2012

Sunday Summary 5-11 Nov

Sunday Summary 5-11 Nov 2012
Monday.................Sad Face......NOT!!!! The kids are going back to school......No more arguing and name calling and I can stop sitting in a corner with my Gin bottle rocking. On a serious note, I will miss them a little bit.....No I will....Well OK maybe for just a couple of seconds. They reluctantly slouched off to school without so much as a "thanks for everything this half term Mum" and as I shut the door behind them myself and the dog sighed at the silence. As 3.45 arrived so did they and so did the arguing and attitude.....Wheres my Gin bottle.
Tuesday arrived with a bang and a clatter as my window cleaner decided to arrive early and frighten the life out of The Teenager as he suddenly appeared at the window downstairs. She screamed, he screamed and The Husband went all 007 and jumped to his feet in record time. Went back to the gym in the afternoon and wobbled my way through an agonising hour of exercise. Found a piece of equipment that interested me though....They have a new vending machine.
Wednesday was one of those days where you could do with 6 extra hours. I ran around like a nutter doing errands and taxiing the kids about after school. A moment of shock came when The Teenager told The Whirlwind that she loved him.......I'm not sure who was more shocked, me or The Whirlwind. He in turn replied that "most people do love me eventually". Not that he loves himself at all. Cooked a gorgeous meal in the evening only to be told that The Husband had had a big lunch and that the kids didn't really like pork........The dog and I had a romantic meal in the conservatory alone. Why oh why do I bother ?????
Thursday was once again a busy day. Went to a friends house for coffee and we sat and laughed so much I very nearly gave myself an asthma attack. Went back to the gym in the afternoon only to be told that the Vending machine had broken and probably wasn't going to be replaced.......Just my luck. Hubby came home early and cooked supper which was very nice and we all sat together in a rare moment of harmony. The kids seem to be getting on like a house on fire..........For now!!
Friday........Yippee....I love Fridays.........Best day of the week. Spoke to soon yesterday about the kids loving each other. The Teenager called The Whirlwind a ginger idiot and he in turn replied that she was a jumped up moron.......I decided to sit them both down and gave them a severe lecture about being an only child and how lonely I felt. They came to an understanding and a white flag was raised. Lets see how long it lasts this time. Went to Pizza Express with a friend in the evening and ate my entire body weight in pizza whilst putting the worlds to right.

I had to be up early Saturday morning as I was off for my yearly Flu Jab. Arrived at the Doctors at the designated time of 9.48am and had to stand as there was no room anywhere. Must of been the youngest person there by 40 years and felt a bit like Shaun Of The Dead as they all glared at me. One elderly man even asked me why I was there taking up a Flu Jab that could of been given to someone else. At this point the nurse appeared and told him to check the requirements notice and to be quiet. Had my jab and ran for my life out of there in case they all grabbed me as I left. The Husband was off to Peterborough to watch his team play footie so spent the day with the kids watching movies and eating junk......This is said in a hushed tone......They are still getting on and are in fact unnerving me at their unity.

Had a mammoth lie in today with bacon butties and the papers. The Teenage was off shopping to Brighton and The Whirlwind had a date with his XBox so The Husband and I stayed in bed. We decided to get up at 11am and get some jobs done. Very lazy day on the sofa with our books whilst listening to The Whirlwind exterminate a load of Aliens with a laser beam. If we ever are invaded I'm sending him out first.........

 Thank you to the gorgeous, wonderful and funny Mummy's On The Wine for letting me join her club. If you fancy having a go just attach her badge to your page and blog away.

Monday, 5 November 2012

Sunday Summary 29-4 Nov

Sunday Summary 29-4th November.
Ahhhhhhh !!....1st day of the half term holidays, blissfulness, calm, peace and a long lie in.....WRONG!!!!  Chaos, noise, arguments and up at 7am. The day progressed with much of the same and in the end I actually shut myself in the loo just to get some alone time. This was also short lived as The Teenager banged on the door demanding that I "DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIM". Why oh why have they got along for the past 12 years and suddenly, this week have decided that they actually hate each other. Spent most of the afternoon clock watching for the Husband to come home so I could hit the Gin bottle.
Things are slightly calmer this morning as I think The Husband read them the riot act last night about how I was still feeling poorly and did they really want to cause me to humanly com bust. The Teenager made me boiled eggs and toast as a surprise for breakfast which was lovely and very unexpected. The Whirlwinds contribution was to make me a cup of tea and as a added twist put a slice of Orange in it.......Yes orange.......Yuck, yuck, yuck. Its my own fault really as he has done it before and as any good mummy would do, I drank it and said it was yummy. This time however I managed to avoid it by saying that the boiled egg had filled me up. Phew!!
Today was Halloween and with 2 kids over the age of 12 its not really as exciting as it used to be. They have never really been into trick or treating and that's fine with me. I do however make sure that I have plenty of candy for all the small ones and light little candles in jam jars up the path for them. I must be careful this year as some little darling almost set fire to his vampire cape last year on one of them. Not sure I want roasted vampire for dinner tonight!!!! Ended up having 20 lots of trick or treaters which is the most ever, did sausages and onions for supper and somehow managed to polish off a whole bottle of wine all by myself.........I think it was all the excitement....either that or all the candy smells has gone to my head.
Awoken by the sounds of "IF YOU COME INTO MY ROOM AGAIN I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU" followed by "WELL....IF YOU DO THAT YOU WILL GO TO PRISON AND THEN AT LEAST I CAN HAVE YOUR ROOM"......Oh for the love of God, when will they learn that a brutally awoken Mummy doesn't help their cause. Thought about having Gin in my tea but remembered that I had a friend coming round who volunteers for Child Line so decided against it.The Teenager went out for the day with her friends so that just left The Whirlwind who thankfully excepted an invitation to a friends house.....Yipeeeeeee.........Spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself and nursing my poor chest and throat and then remembered we were off to see James Bond this evening. This thought cheered me up no end....There's not much Daniel Craig cant cure in my eyes.
Friday is my favourite day of the week and this one was no exception. The Teenager was busy revising for a Biology exam and The Whirlwind looked like he worked in a fast food restaurant with his XBox head set on. I did at one point ask who he was chatting to and he said "a friend"..."Which friend"? Was my reply...."Just someone at school I know"I then had to have the chat about safety online again reminding him that if he didn't physically know someone he wasn't allowed to befriend them. "Just because someone says they are 12 and called Tyrone doesn't necessarily mean that they are who they say they are and could in fact be a 62 year old called Ron who likes young kids" I lectured him. He agreed that he would follow these rules and make sure he knew everyone personally. I then jokingly asked him for a milkshake and fries to which he looked at me like I had gone stark raving mad.........Well if the cap fits and all that.
Went to do a bit of retail therapy with The Husband today which turned out to be a bad idea as he spends most of the time questioning why I need to buy stuff. Managed to get myself 4 new bras which in turn made me look like I had mumps, it struck me how low my boobs must of looked in my good old grey ones. I now I have these pert monsters up round my throat that make it hard to see my feet but the bra fitting lady ensured me that they were supposed to look like that. Went out to a party in the evening with The Husband and showed off my new 1950's pointed boobed housewife look. Everyone agreed that they did look great and that they did in fact look better....Hmmmmmmm...I wonder if you can get something similar for your chin and bum.........
Kids had stayed over at The Northern Mothers house so we spent the morning in bed reading the papers and drinking tea. The Husband went to pick them up at midday and joked that wouldn't it be funny if they wanted to stay there forever.........After the week I have had with them this seemed like a good idea rather than a joke. Mum said they had been as good as gold which slightly naffed me off but at least she will have them again. Spent the afternoon in relative calm as they made amends and decided that they did in fact love one another and that they were sorry for being so awful all week. I in turn forgave them and told them as an only child they were lucky to have each other and that one day it would only be them as we wouldn't be here any more.....This then started a complete breakdown session as they both got upset at the thought of us dying........Me and my big gob!!!!!

Thank you to the gorgeous, wonderful and funny Mummy's On The Wine for letting me join her club. If you fancy having a go just attach her badge to your page and blog away.

Friday, 2 November 2012

I Married 007 (just for 1 night).

Last night The Husband took me to dinner and then to the Cinema to see the new James Bond movie. I understand its not to every ones taste but I do actually love them, especially since the lovely Danny Craig (I feel I can call him Danny after seeing him almost naked last night). The movie was brilliant, funny and fast paced. Maybe a little bit extreme in some parts but that's what its all about.

The funniest part was afterwards when we left to go home. For some strange reason only known to him The Husband began to act like a bit of a pratt. I have noticed this pattern of behaviour before. Whenever we go to see an action movie with a bit of a hunk in it he in turn starts to try to act like them. As he swaggered through the car park he did a sort of pretend skid thing to the car and winked at me. Was I supposed to swoon at this sudden school boy behaviour or just ignore it. I chose to do the latter and carried on walking. Then he went to open the car door for me "what are you doing" ? I asked. "I'm getting the door for you gorgeous" he replied with a cheeky wink.

He then clearly forgot he was driving a Vaxhall Zafira and not an Aston Martin as he wheel spinned out of the parking bay. I hung on as he swerved round all the corners and went over the speed bumps at 40mph. As I went to turn the heating on he grabbed my hand telling me "Don't touch that...You don't know what it does".....Oh for the love of God......It wasn't a bloody ejector button it was just the heated seats thingy.

What had got into him? Did he really think he was James Bond 007? Was he actually believing he could do these fancy manoeuvres? And more to the point could I hang onto the entire contents of my stomach.

He pushed past me to open the front door checking around for.........Well..... I don't really know what for but clearly he was looking for someone or something to jump out and attempt to kill me. Once inside I thanked The Northern Mother for babysitting and went to run myself a hot shower. Now for anyone who has seen the film you will remember the sexy shower scene....You know the one I mean.....Super thin good looking women naked behind a steamed glass shower door, door
 opens and the naked super toned silhouette of James Bond steps in behind her and kissed her neck.

As I stood in the shower letting the water warm me up the light suddenly went on and in walks The Husband. I must point out at this stage that we do not have a walk in shower, we do in fact have a one that is in the bath so the thought of 50 stone of persons getting in together could only of been seen as an accident waiting to happen. "What are you doing now"? Was my question to him, expecting him to want to re-enact the shower scene.......... "I really need a poo, can you hurry up".........Phew, he was back to normal, Thank God for that.

I honestly don't think I could ever cope with dating someone like 007, can you imagine the constant state of panic you would be in. Let alone all the bloody Dinner Suits you would have to get dry cleaned for him. No thank you, I am quite happy with the man I married and all his annoying normal ways.

So next time you watch an action movie, just remember to watch how your man puffs his chest out afterwards and behaves a little strange. And whatever you do don't tell them off..........Men never grow up really do they!!!!!

See You All Soon